so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
