Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
