I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
