I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize