Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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