I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
MIDGETS
????
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
