Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
