My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
did i just pee glitter
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
