FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
