i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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