he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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