two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
