It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
