I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
