Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
you never un-have a 4some
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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