It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
