the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
