why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
