I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
