life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
