Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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