remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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