The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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