All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
