I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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