i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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