It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
