my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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