We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
