look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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