this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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