Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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