Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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