So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think people are normalizing furries
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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