when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
