Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
