Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
