y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
