You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
