You don't have asthma, your pregnant
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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