OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize