Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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