your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize