I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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