You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
