And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
