I think I died a long time ago.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
