Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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