On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
