do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
