I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize