kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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