I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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