My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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