it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
