found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
